When things get crazy “I” just abandon the space. This wasn’t something that “I” figured out but was told to me. “I” start to feel like I’m suffocating... literally and the only relief is to leave. The other day “I” had an argument with someone and instead of expressing my “self”, “I” just wanted to leave...”I” felt like “I” couldn’t breath.
“I” brought a plane ticket to return to Virginia but when “I” got to the counter to check in at the airport “I” got a phone call that stopped me in my tracks. I’m not going to get into details; however, “I” ended up staying and talking about how “I” felt. In this now; “I” feel even more emotional. “I” woke up crying, literally. “I” was a ball of emotions, crying every time someone wasn’t looking.
“I” checked the energy of the realm today and it’s 4 which is represented by “parents”.
So “I” decided to call my Mom and vent. “I” told her “I” was emotional and “I” didn’t know why and she said yes you do. “I” then went on to ask her how did she act in her relationships because “I” feel like I’m repeating a cycle. “I“ asked her did she have communication issues and she said no...we were silent for a second and then “I” just blurted out” “I” think “I” have abandonment issues” and she asked me if “I” blamed her and then she went on to apologize.
PAUSE
”I” arrived in 1982 and if you know about America in the 80’s you know about the crack epidemic and all the things that came along with that. My Mother was caught up in that energy and so she was unable to be a “traditional” mother. She wasn’t around that much and she spent a lot of time in and out of jail and in the streets.
My sisters and “I” were raised by family members, group homes, foster homes, etc. and with each environment it brought inflictions that have challenged all of us in different ways.
However; “I” want her to innerstand that “I” know “I” have evolved from that place. That’s why “I” don’t understand why I’m dealing with abandonment issues. I’m thankful for my parents to a degree that satisfies my soul. “I” would not be who “I am” if any one thing went differently. “I” actually am proud of my experiences and not victimized by it- rape, molestation, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, mental abuse, ALL OF IT is what contributed to seven4teen to even exist. “I” would give them a billion dollars each just off the strength that they opened the door for my arrival. That’s all “I” ever needed. So when my Mom asked me if “I” blamed her...”I” honestly said no.
“I” then went on to tell her that generational pain is a real thing and what about her childhood...did she deal with anything? She said she had the best childhood ever! Her Mother and Father were amazing and she had the best brothers any girl could hope for (F.Y.I she is the only girl in a party of 5). She said her issues didn’t come until she was older. So “I” asked her did she feel like my Grandmother abandoned her.
PAUSE
My Grandmother committed suicide by hanging when my sister and “I” were 2 & 3 “I” believe. My Mother was probably around 22 or 23 then. During the time of my Grandma’s death all of her children were in jail minus one and it wasn’t my Mother. She was the nucleus of our family so her death created an entirely different timeline...for all of us. My Mom said my Grandmother left some pretty big shoes to fill; she was literally a perfect Mother.
So when “I” asked my Mom did she feel like my Grandmother abandoned her; she said yes. At that moment we both started crying as if we were purging so many old emotions; most importantly feeling abandoned. She didn’t even realize that she was carrying that around (just like me).
See, when there is pain at the root of a tree, the entire tree will feel a portion of that pain. “I am” is not the only person in my bloodline who has communication issues; our air was cut when the suicide seed was planted. My Grandmother cut her air off. The abandonment seed sprouted in my Mother when my Grandmother passed. And we have no insight into the wounds that my Grandmother was quietly carrying around; what seeds were planted into her to cause her to commit suicide.
“I” asked my Mother when was the last time she dealt with her “self”- to really do something for her “self” that would benefit her own health and well-being and since my Grandmother died, she hasn’t . She just bandaged the pain with drug use. My Mom stopped getting high because she had a stroke and that shifted her to a completely different reality. “I” let her know that the only difference between her shoes and my Grandmother’s shoes is that she may have worn Nikes and you have on Adidas. Meaning your just dealing with different brands but there still shoes. My sisters and “I” adore our Mother and it hurts us all if she is not healthy... mentally, physically or otherwise.
“I” asked her if she wanted to move on from that pain and she said yes but not really sure how to; ”I” said we can both move on by taking small steps in a direction that we have never went into before. She wants to loose weight; so she committed to stair climbing every day and more frequently. “I” want to communicate better and so “I” won’t try to abandon situations to avoid expressing my feelings.
Those old wounds need air to heal. We need to pull off bandages and deal with them, we need to look at them, see how we got them, add a healing balm to them and allow them to heal. That’s how we rejuvenate the tree.
When “I” hung up with her “I” took a shower- releasing all that energy however thanking it for trying to just block us from experiencing pain. “I” haven’t cried since.
“I” want to dedicate this post to my amazing parents Sandra & Richard and to the beautiful Sandra Sr. my Grandmother 💜💜
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