Starting over

I went on YouTube and searched for starting over in your 40s. There were so many videos about this topic. It made me feel like, "Oh great, I'm not the only one." We all get the opportunity to start over at different points in our lives, it's just how we each perceive these opportunities.

When I decided to come back to Richmond, it was a no-brainer—my family needs me, and that is reason enough. However, the logistics are super stressful. I had to quit my job—a good job. When I resigned, my colleagues were sad to see me go and showered me with love and appreciation, something I never experienced at a job in Richmond. Every job here had just been super competitive, toxic environments, and working for pennies. They gave me gifts, notes, and even told me that once I return to San Diego, I will always have a job there. It really has been an epic experience.

Now that I’m in Richmond, the reality of starting over has set in. What will I do for a place to stay? What about transportation, and how will I support my Self? The job market is insane, and there aren’t any jobs available that will pay me even close to what I was making in California.

My daughter has been a blessing to me; I have been staying at her house and driving her car. I’m so appreciative. But she is also a young lady with her own life, so I don’t want to be in her way too much. I want to get on my feet, be stable, and be in a position to help her and my other two children. I want to show them what I have been building for the last few years and bring them onboard if that is something they are interested in.

It’s actually the main thing I have been communicating with Source about: the repair of my family unit, to make them proud, to build a legacy for us. My children are the greatest accomplishment I have ever created. They are all so perfect and different versions of me. When I look at each of them, I see different reflections of my Self but so much better.

I got pregnant when I was 14 years old and dropped out of high school my senior year. I moved into a Red Roof Inn with my baby and saved up until I was able to get a place for us. It was a two-bedroom project in Fairfield Court. I worked my butt off to provide for us, and by 19, I had another baby, and we moved into something less “bricked.”

I finally got my high school diploma and went back to school, pursuing all types of interests from phlebotomist to paralegal. I wanted to show them and give them a better life than I had. Four years after that, Chase was born, my only son, and the cycle continued—strive to be and do better.

And then one day, things just fell apart. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hold things together. The girls were teenagers, and they had their own stresses at that time, and I literally felt like I was losing my mind. I had to step away. I had to get my Self together, internally.

That meant I had to deal with everything about my Self, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Now I look at my babies and I am so proud of them—they have all graduated high school, none of them are teenage parents, and they all just want to be the best person they can be. I wish I had a wand that I could wave and give them everything they need. Like the money to invest in their own businesses, the money to send them off to college debt-free, land that we inherited for them to build on. But the sad truth is that I am starting over just as they are starting their adult lives. How can I give them something that I can’t even give to my Self?

I want to take trips with them, explore new cultures and cuisines, and just see all of us smiling and happy with no strings attached. I’m so thankful to have them call me mom. Today, Chase stretched out his arms to give me a hug without me even asking, and even though it may have seemed like an insignificant moment, it made me feel so loved and seen. It made me feel so whole. I love to hear them call my name, I love to hear them ask me for advice, and for us to just hang out together. Starting over is not just about the home and the money and all the things; it’s about starting over with my babies, reconnecting with them in ways that I literally talked with Source about. I’m so thankful and I am blessed beyond my expectations.

I think of the things that I have taught them—the love that I have shown them. I feel like with genuine love you can overcome anything. That is one thing that I have always had to give them, even when I had nothing else. I have also taught them to always love themselves, and keep Source and family in their hearts—it will always pay off.

My girls are so beautiful, and my son is so handsome. They know what they want, and their goals for themselves are so amazing that I look forward to watching them achieve them. I look forward to helping them reach their milestones, one step at a time. I will always be here for you, I will always be in your hearts even if distance tries to say otherwise.

I always wanted to give my kids the world, and now I can. That world is the one that I have created, and it’s healthy and loving, and it’s all for them. Thank you, Ishea, Bryanna, and Chase, for choosing me to be your mom. It’s a position that I am more than qualified to be in, and I will lead by example so this fresh start will be amazing not just for me but for us all as a collective.

Praises and honoring.